Billy: [while Julian is washing his back] So, what brought you out west, Julian?
Julian Rogers: Oh, the men. I heard it was just plumb full of them.
Billy: Men?
[pause]
Billy: Oh, because men read more books than women.
Julian Rogers: Uh, yeah.
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Ben Wheeler: We can't go East.
Phil Taylor: Why not?
Ben Wheeler: Because!
Phil Taylor: Why?
Zeke: Because it's against "The Code."
Phil Taylor: It's against what code?
Ben Wheeler: You know very well what code. The Code... of the West.
Phil Taylor: Oh, the Code of the West. Isn't that the same code that says, ah...
Ben Wheeler: "The only good Indian is a dead Indian."
Phil Taylor: And "Die with your boots on." Wait, wait a minute, I got another one for you - "If someone steals your horse, you hang him." That's some code. Hey, this is quite a code! Let's just stay here! What a code.
Julian Rogers: It's not a very enlightened ideology.
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John Slade: Your move, sissy boy.
Julian Rogers: Sissy boy? Oh please, that's so Dodge City.
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River Townsman: Ma'am, you people are crazy!
Belle: Crazy? What do you mean, crazy? Because we risked out lives crossing a river instead of staying on the other side? Because we have faith in ourselves? Because we believe in a wagonmaster who gave us the courage and the confidence to do things we never thought we could have done?
River Townsman: No, because most people use the bridge.
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James H. Harlow: [drunk] We leave at dawn... noon-ish.
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[Slade slugs the tied up Harlow with his rifle butt]
Belle: Bastard!
John Slade: Could be. I don't know if my ma and pa were married. I killed my pa before I could ask.
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James H. Harlow: Well?
Little Feather: Bad news. Big trouble.
James H. Harlow: Let's just keep that to ourselves.
[Crowd approaches]
Ben Wheeler: What's news?
Little Feather: Cavalry's coming. They come to stop you.
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Julian Rogers: I'd like to recommend one of my favorite authors to you - a woman named Jane Austen. This is a writer of just wonderfully exquisite prose. And, of course, as ou can see, it's a big damn book. Oh, "Pride and Prejudice". Harry Bob, I think you're going to get more than a run for your money out of this one.
Harry Bob: How much?
Julian Rogers: Well, I think two dollars is a fair price.
Harry Bob: Really.
Julian Rogers: Uh-huh.
Harry Bob: How much for just "Pride"?
Julian Rogers: Well, actually, one does hate to break up the set.
Harry Bob: All right, but I got to test it first.
[He tears out some pages from the book]
Harry Bob: Where's the outhouse?
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Harry Bob: When I was ten years old, I killed my best friend, Tom McClenny. All the folks in town thought he died of falling off a tree. But the fact of the matter is, I beat him with a club and dragged him into the woods so it would look that way. Ha ha ha... I had no idea why I'd done it.
[beat]
Harry Bob: Ha ha ha, thank you Doctor, I feel better already.
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[repeated line]
James H. Harlow: Wagons... east!
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John Slade: The name's Slade.
Julian Rogers: Super. Here's an idea. Why don't you spell it out for me so I can get it right on your tombstone.
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Phil Taylor: I was a field surgeon during the war. We'd work long hours. We'd eat while we operated. One time, there's this young soldier I was trying to save, he took a cannonball in the stomach. After 18 hours of surgery, I did it. Never felt better in my life. Until, just like that, the patient dies. Turns out I left half a bologna sandwich in his lung.
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Ben Wheeler: I can't face another wounded teller with a workman's comp claim.
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Ben Wheeler: Harlow was the wagonmaster for the Donner party... before he became a vegetarian.
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Phil Taylor: About that leg, Clay. You know, these flesh wounds can be a little tricky. You know, things happen... there are complications.
Clayton Ferguson: You had to amputate?
Phil Taylor: No no no no no no! The leg is, ah, fine... a little stiff.
Clayton Ferguson: Well now, that's to be expected.
Phil Taylor: Well, you know, Clay, ah, the leg is not the only part that's, ah, stiff. Actually, his whole body is kind of, ah, well, he's ah, he's ah, he'd dead!
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The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Little Feather.
Little Feather: [in Sioux] Father, I hate that name.
The Chief: [in Sioux] Ah, my son.
[waves his hand in front of his crotch]
The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Big Snake That Makes Women Faint!
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Ben Wheeler: But leaving would be like giving up.
Phil Taylor: That's exactly what it would be, Ben - giving up! So let's just give up. Let's get out of here. Let's get ourselves a wagon master and go home. Let's go east. What do you say?
Bartender: I say you're a bunch of gutless lily-livered, yellow-belly eastern sissies. All you've done since you got here was whine and complain. Now why don't you go back and leave the west to the real men?
Julian Rogers: Well, actually, I could have the books on the wagon really quickly. And the cappucino machine, you know, is going to travel like a dream.
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[an outlaw gang is holding up the bank]
Ben Wheeler: This is the third time this month. You really should give the depositers a chance to build up their accounts.
[he hands the outlaw leader the bank's account books and his eyeshade]
Ben Wheeler: Good luck.
Desperado Leader: Hey! I got a job!
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[last lines]
James H. Harlow: Wagons ho!
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Billy: [after Julian finishes with his back] Thanks a lot.
[turns around, notices Julian's hard-on]
Billy: Wow, Julian. Look at you. Did you see a mermaid?
[Julian blushes and giggles]
Billy: Man, cold water usually has the opposite effect on me.
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Julian Rogers: I'm going back west.
Belle: What could be there for you?
Julian Rogers: San Francisco.
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