[after the plane crash]
Winifred Ames: This is all your fault you liberal, commie, convict-hiring fuck. We're stranded miles from nowhere, no idea where we are, so what are we gonna do now you so-sure, twinkle-toed, Hollywood shit-head? Huh? What now?
Stanley Motss: This is nothing. This is nothing. Piece of cake, walk in the park. This is nothing.
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Johnny Dean: I was just on my way to get drunk.
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CIA Agent Mr. Young: When the fit hits the shan somebody's going to have to stay behind after school.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Would you go to war to do that?
CIA Agent Mr. Young: I have.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Well, I have, too. Would you do it again...? Isn't that why you're here? I guess so. And if you go to war again, who is it going to be against? Your "ability to fight a Two-ocean War" against who? Sweden and Togo? Who you sitting here to Go To War Against? That time has passed. It's passed. It's over. The war of the future is nuclear terrorism. It is and it will be against a small group of dissidents who, unbeknownst, perhaps, to their own governments, have blah blah blah. And to go to that war, you've got to be prepared. You have to be alert, and the public has to be alert. Cause that is the war of the future, and if you're not gearing up, to fight that war, eventually the axe will fall. And you're gonna be out in the street. And you can call this a "drill," or you can call it "job security," or you can call it anything you like. But I got one for you: you said, "Go to war to protect your Way of Life," well, Chuck, this is your way of life. Isn't it? And if there ain't no war, then you, my friend, can go home and prematurely take up golf. Because there ain't no war but ours.
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Stanley Motss: What did television ever do to you?
Winifred Ames: It destroyed the electoral process.
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Stanley Motss: No no no no no, fuck freedom.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What difference does it make if it's true? If it's a story and it breaks, they're gonna run with it.
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Stanley Motss: The President will be a hero. He brought peace.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: But there was never a war.
Stanley Motss: All the greater accomplishment.
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Stanley Motss: It's okay, he's not dead.
[gunshot]
Stanley Motss: Uh, strike that.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Stanley, don't do this. You're playing with your life here.
Stanley Motss: Fuck my life. I want the credit.
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[Commissioned to write a propaganda song about war with Albania]
Johnny Dean: Albania's hard to rhyme.
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Stanley Motss: As long as he gets his medications, he's fine.
Winifred Ames: What if he doesn't get them?
Stanley Motss: He's not fine.
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Tracy Lime: What would they do if I did tell someone?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Come to your house and kill you.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean: All combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean: We're not gonna have a war, we're gonna have the appearance of a war.
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Winifred Ames: Why Albania?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Why not?
Winifred Ames: What have they done to us?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What have they done FOR us? What do you know about them?
Winifred Ames: Nothing.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: See? They keep to themselves. Shifty. Untrustable.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean: You can't tell anyone about this.
Tracy Lime: It is like a union thing?
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Stanley Motss: This is politics at its finest.
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Winifred Ames: How are we going to explain that when the world is watching?
Stanley Motss: Fuck the world. Try a ten a.m. script meeting, coked to the gills, no sleep and you haven't even read the treatment.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What's the thing people remember about the Gulf War? A bomb falling down a chimney. Let me tell you something: I was in the building where we filmed that with a 10-inch model made out of Legos.
Stanley Motss: Is that true?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Who the hell's to say?
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[Repeated line]
Stanley Motss: This is NOTHING.
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Winifred Ames: So when we touch down tomorrow, Big Bird is going to meet Schumann at the airport, huh?
Stanley Motss: Big mistake, big mistake. You gotta bring them in by stages. Big mistake to reveal Schumann before the election.
Winifred Ames: How so?
Stanley Motss: Sweetheart, Schumann is the shark. Okay? Schumann is Jaws, you know? You have to tease them. You gotta tease them. You don't put Jaws in the first real of the movie. It's the contract, sweetheart. The contract of the election, whether they know it or not, is "Vote for me Tuesday, Wednesday I'll produce Schumann." See, that's what they're paying their seven bucks for.
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CIA Agent Mr. Young: There are two things I know to be true. There's no difference between good flan and bad flan, and there is no war."
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Stanley Motss: I'm in show business, why come to me?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: War is show business, that's why we're here.
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Stanley Motss: We got this deal with Governor Knee-High...
Liz Butsky: [Corrects him] Senator Leahy, from Vermont.
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Stanley Motss: This is the greatest work I've ever done in my life - because it's so honest.
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Winifred Ames: This is all your fault you liberal commie convict hiring fuck.
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Stanley Motss: It's all, you know, thinking ahead thinking ahead.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: It's like being a plumber.
Stanley Motss: Yea, it's like a plumber: do your job right and nobody should notice. But when you fuck it up, everything gets full of shit.
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[after discovering that their "hero" is actaully a convict]
Winifred Ames: What did he do?
Stanley Motss: He raped a nun...
Winifred Ames: Oh, God. Oh, God. Jes - Oh, God!
Stanley Motss: And...
Winifred Ames: "And"? I don't want to know an "and". Why is there an "and"?
Stanley Motss: Look, look, look, look, look. He's fine as long as he gets his medication...
Winifred Ames: And if he doesn't get his medications?
Stanley Motss: He's not fine.
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Stanley Motss: That's right. During the filming of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one- The War.
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[repeated line]
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I'm working on it.
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Conrad 'Connie' Brean: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
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Stanley Motss: When it's cooking, it's cooking.
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Stanley Motss: I bet you're great at chess.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I would be if I could remember how all the pieces moved.
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