Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark?
Clark: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.
|
Clark: Roll 'em up!
|
Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.
|
[looking at the dead Aunt Edia in the back seat]
Ellen Griswold: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do Clark?
Clark Griswald: Well, I guess we could leave her here and maybe the first phone we pass, we could call Cousin Normie and he could come and get her I guess.
Ellen Griswold: That is the meanist, coldist...
Clark Griswald: Well, what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Audrey Griswold: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, come on. It'll be real easy for Normie to find Aunt Edna. All he has to do is look for the buzzards.
|
Aunt Edna: Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
Catherine: [nervously] Uh, no; I was just about to.
Ellen Griswold: Good news, what good news, Catherine?
Aunt Edna: You're driving me to Phoenix!
[Clark begins choking on his hamburger]
|
Clark Griswald: Roy; can I call you Roy? Have you even driven your whole family cross-country?
Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Once I drove all of them to Florida. The smell coming out of the back seat was terrible.
Clark Griswald: I know that smell, Roy; but what if you had driven all that way and Florida was closed?
Roy Walley: Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.
|
[the kids are playing Pacman while Clark is designing a map on the computer]
Clark: Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.
|
Audrey Griswold: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.
Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]
|
Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp: Fuck yo mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.
|
Clark: Could I do your back, honey?
Ellen Griswold: I've already done my back.
Clark: Could I do your front?
Ellen Griswold: Go do your own front.
|
[at fast food hotdog restaurant after Clark accidently killed Aunt Edna's dog]
Fast Food Server: [comes to car and gives the family a tray with their food on it]
Clark: [tries taking it, but it slips out of his hands and breaks the car window]
Aunt Edna: Serves you right, Dog Killer!
|
Ellen Griswold: Don't just blurt it out to Normie about Edna dying.
Clark Griswald: How about I ask him to play 20 Questions?
[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]
Clark Griswald: Oh, for christ sakes he isn't home.
Ellen Griswold: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
Clark Griswald: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.
Ellen Griswold: Normie's always been flakey.
Clark Griswald: He's always been a jaggle.
Ellen Griswold: Watch your mouth!
|
Clark: Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?
|
Clark: I'm making out a check for $1000, all you have to do is give me $300 in cash and keep the $700, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
|
Ellen Griswold: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.
Audrey Griswold: Let's not overdo it, mom.
Ellen Griswold: Shut up.
|
Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?
Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father may be going away for a little while.
|
Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.
|
Clark Griswald: So, this is the old homestead, eh?
Cousin Eddie: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The banks been after me like flies on a rib roast.
|
Clark: I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
Roy Walley: No.
|
Ed, the car salesman: Wait a minute, I'll get to the bottom of this, we'll find your car. Davenport!
Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed.
Ed, the car salesman: Where is Mr. Griswold's Sports Wagon?
Davenport: I don't know sir.
Ed, the car salesman: I know what must have happened. It didn't come in. Now I can get you the Sports Wagon; the only problem is that it may take six weeks. I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster is the way to go. You think you hate it now, but just wait until you drive it.
Clark Griswald: Ed, I'm not your average fool. Now I want my super sports wagon now, or I'm gonna take my business elsewhere!
Ed, the car salesman: Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car and bring it back here!
[the car is in the process of being smashed. It returns flat, and clark tries to squat and open the door]
|
Ed: Now, I owe it to myself to tell you, Mr. Griswold, that if you are thinking of taking the tribe cross country, this is your automobile. The Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, but wait till you drive it.
|
Clark Griswald: We watch his program. We buy his toys, we go to his movies, he owes us! Doesn't Marty Moose owe us? He owes the Griswalds right? Fucking-A right he owes us!
|
Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya' got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.
|
Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
|
Clark: [Edited TV version] Excuse me. Could you please tell how to get back on the expressway?
Pimp: Man, who do I look like, Christopher "Columbo"
Clark: Thank you very much.
|
Ellen Griswold: I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!
|
Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
|
Rusty Griswold: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
Ellen Griswold: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.
|
Clark: Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?
Ellen Griswold: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.
|
Rusty Griswold: That was a crummy Wyatt Earp dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to Rusty.
|
[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
Ellen Griswold: We can't leave Aunt Edna on the patio!
Clark: Would you prefer I slip her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?
|
Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.
Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ...
[pauses as Rusty walks away]
Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...
|
Audrey Griswold: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!
|
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could poke an eye out with this thing.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
|
Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
|
Clark: Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.
|
Ellen Griswald: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
Clark Griswald: No, it isn't.
|
Audrey Griswold: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?
Ellen Griswold: Find a bush Audrey!
|
Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark: Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do I owe you?
Mechanic 1: How much you got?
Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic 1: I'm asking how much you got!
Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to fool around so how much is it?
Mechanic 1: [waving a wrench] All of it, boy!
Clark: What does the sheriff think of your business practice?
[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]
|
Clark: I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?
|
Clark Griswald: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
Ellen Griswald: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Audrey Griswald: Yes, he can!
Clark Griswald: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
|
Ellen Griswold: Gee Cath look's like you really got your hands full.
Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
|
Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.
|
Ellen Griswold: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
Clark Griswald: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Clark Griswald: I said didn't you think it was real?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Ellen Griswold: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Clark Griswald: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.
|
Clark: Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?
|
Clark Griswald: Ed, this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed, the car salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
|
Roy Walley: Well, somebody better explain, or there'll, uh... there'll be a lot of explaining to do.
|
Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.
|
Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
|
Clark Griswald: When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.
|
Clark: This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!
|
Clark: We're from out of town.
Man Giving Directions: No shit.
|
Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkins needs a long walk and a bath.
Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkins.
Rusty: Dad he bites.
Clark: Bite him back.
|
Cousin Eddie: Hey Clark, you look like you could use a cold one.
Clark: I sure could, Eddie.
[Eddie hands Clark his opened beer he'd been drinking, gets a fresh one for himself]
|
Ellen Griswold: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.
Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and him!
[pointing to Clark]
Aunt Edna: He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
Ellen Griswold: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outa that seat and I'll split your lip!
|
Clark: Russ, it's really great that I can spend time with you and... uh... uh... uh...
Rusty: Audrey, Dad.
|
[after driving off the road]
Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.
|
The Girl in the Ferrari: It's too bad you're married... I'm in the mood for some fun!
|
Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen Griswold: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark: Clark.
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
|
Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
|
Lasky: Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once.
Rusty: What happened?
Lasky: I threw up.
|
Aunt Edna: Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!
|
[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark...
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.
|
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.
|
Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgeory to remove our godamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
|
Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark, I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
|
[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two men on horses watch him]
Clark: We passed a God damn gas station every 10 yards for 1000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
Cowboy: What an asshole.
|
Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.
|
Cousin Eddie: [at the cookout] Edna! Helper's on!
Clark Griswald: [to Ellen] Is that *your* Aunt Edna?
[Ellen slinks away from the table]
|