Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal. That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, to, cause I'm crazy.
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Raul Hernandez: This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these little tunnels. And hey, they really hate it when you do this.
[Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it]
Raul Hernandez: Oh look. They're really mad now.
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R.J. Fletcher: This is a TV studio, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!
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George Newman: [picks up a metal container from a pot of boiling oil, all these little black things are inside it] Well, the fries are just about done.
[puts it back in the oil]
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Stanley Spadowski: Oh, Joel Miller, you've just found the marble in the oatmeal. You're a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy. 'Cause you know why? You get to drink from... the FIRE HOOOOOSE!
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George Newman: [as "Uncle Nutsy," to Bob as "Bobbo the Clown"] ... Hey, Bobbo! Wanna play a game? Look up... Look down... Now look at Mr. Frying Pan!
[Hits him in the face]
George Newman: Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Aw, what's the matter, Bobbo? I know! You're hungry! Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies!
[He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!]
George Newman: Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? THEY'RE NUTRITIOUS, TOO! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! Mmmm, THAT'S GOOD! And don't forget, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...
[notices his mistake for the first time]
George Newman: ... Oooops! Heh Heh, it looks like Bobbo's been eating YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!
[a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."]
George Newman: That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste...
[We hear Bobbo vomiting]
George Newman: ... With just a hint of cheese!
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Pamela Finklestein: "Broads don't belong in broadcasting"? Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?
R.J. Fletcher: Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, never call chicks broads.
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George Newman: Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs - -all next week on Town Talk.
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Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people. I do.
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R.J. Fletcher: This is an embarrassment. A disgrace. What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today?
Richard Fletcher: "Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here. Help, let me out."
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Stanley Spadowski: George? What's the matter?
George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know.
Stanley Spadowski: Huh? Why did I ask?
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[In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial]
Sy Greenblum: Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.
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Stanley Spadowski: Life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and things and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it's not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. But if that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta stand right up. You gotta run to a window and say, "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more."
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Stanley Spadowski: Hi, George. Well, uh, I'm finished with the T.V. show. Uh, what do you want me to do now?
George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun!
George Newman: Great! How would you like to do it every day?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat... Oh, wait a minute - do I still get to be the janitor?
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Kuni: [jumps out from behind a door marked "Supplies] Supplies!
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Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to Secrets of the Universe. Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.
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[as in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)]
Raul Hernandez: Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers.
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George Newman: You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.
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Ghandi: Give me a steak, medium-rare.
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[watching a cartoon when Bob tells George whether to finish the show since Teri won't talk to him]
Stanley Spadowski: Watch out, Mr. Coyote!
[sound effect on TV]
Stanley Spadowski: Aww, it's terrible.
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[repeated line]
Bum: Hey, mister! Change? You got change?
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Stanley Spadowski: I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange.
[laughs]
Stanley Spadowski: Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue.
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[George and Teri make up]
Teri: Hello, stranger.
George Newman: Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.
Teri: Whatever gave you that idea?
George Newman: Well, my first clue is when you told me you never wanted to see me again.
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[Stanley is eating a watermelon]
Stanley Spadowski: Mmm. This is pretty good water...
[He stops and thinks about it]
Stanley Spadowski: Tastes like poop.
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[On the game show, "Wheel of Fish", Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]
Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper...
[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]
Kuni: ...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be?
[Phyllis Weaver decides between the Red Snapper and the box. The audience points to the box]
Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box!
[the audience applauded]
Kuni: You took the box? Let's see what's in the box!
[Hiro-san opened the box, and the audience gasps in silence]
Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!
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Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.
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R.J. Fletcher: This community means about as much to me as a festering ball of dog snot. You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town? If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first. I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
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Teri: George, you've been bouncing from job to job ever since I've known you. You have to find some way of making your overactive imagination work for you instead of against you.
[turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain]
Teri: What are you doing?
George Newman: This means something. This is important.
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Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.
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Stanley Spadowski: [in backroom of the UHF building, preparing for another fund drive. There is a knock at the back door] Who is it?
Head Thug: I got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski.
Stanley Spadowski: Pizza? For me? Ohhhh-ho-ho, boy!
[opens door, gets yanked through violently]
Stanley Spadowski: [later, blindfolded in the backseat of a car with the three thugs] I like peppers. I looooove anchovies. 'Cause they're real fishy. Sometimes I like to get a pizza with nothin' on it but anchovies, no peppers, no olives, no onions... 'cause they're good!
Killer Thug: [raises revolver] So, uh... do we kill him?
Head Thug: No, no, the boss just wants us to keep him on ice for a while. Easy, easy!
Stanley Spadowski: Hey, wait a minute! You guys aren't from the pizza place!
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Stanley Spadowski: "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more."
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[In the TV show "Conan the Librarian"]
Young book customer: [Whimpering before Conan slices him in half] These books are a little overdue.
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George Newman: [Message left on Teri's answering machine] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'm in hell! Teri, Teri pick up the phone! Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone! Oh, Oh Teri!
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[George and Bob just got fired again]
Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.
Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.
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Aunt Esther: [after Harvey gets home from playing poker, referring to the piece of paper in his pocket] What's this?
Uncle Harvey: Oh, it's the deed to channel 62. I won it with a pair of 7s. I was bluffing.
Aunt Esther: Channel 62? Never heard of it.
Uncle Harvey: I'm not surprised. More people watch the fish tank at Leo's pet store.
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Teri: George, did you get fired again?
George Newman: [banging his head against a counter] Yes. Yes. It's all true. I just don't know what's wrong with me.
[instantly changes his mood]
George Newman: So, what's for dinner?
[takes a look at what's for dinner]
George Newman: Mashed potatoes! My favorite!
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Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?
Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?
Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George?
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[afterlosing his thumb in a table saw]
Joe Earley: Can you believe this? Would you look at that? Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers." I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red.
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George Newman: I need a drink.
Bob: You don't drink.
George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.
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Pamela Finklestein: Yeah, so, can I help you?
George Newman: Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
Pamela Finklestein: Ugh. You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position would only be temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years. It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss. This job really sucks.
George Newman: Well, this is my friend Bob.
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[while watching "Raul's Wild Kingdom"]
Bob: Where did you find this guy?
George Newman: Me? I thought you hired him.
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[In the TV show "Conan the Librarian"]
Timid Man: Can you tell me where I can find a book on astronomy?
[Conan the Librarian lifts the man up with his bare hands]
Conan the Librarian: [imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System?
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George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go?
[dead silence]
George Newman: That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasle: I wanna go home.
George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel!
[beat]
George Newman: Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a saidistic roadrunner who *mocks* him and *laughs* at him as he's repeatedly *crushed* and *maimed*! Hope you'll *enjoy* it!
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Raul: Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup.
[licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling]
Raul: Look. It sticks.
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Bob: ...Well, I've got good news and bad news.
George Newman: Tell me the bad news first, get it over with.
Bob: The bad news is, at the rate things are going, my books predict that this station will be flat broke by the end of the month.
George Newman: OUCH... So what's the good news?
Bob: ...I lied. There is no good news.
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Aunt Esther: [to George, who is at the punch bowl trying to pour punch into a poodle's mouth] Oh George, would you come here a second?
[George, without thinking about it, just drops the poodle into the punch bowl and walks away]
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