Murray: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?
Roy: Suppose he tries to kill himself!
Oscar Madison: How's he gonna kill himself in the john?
Murray: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.
Oscar Madison: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.
Roy: He could jump!
Vinnie: That's right! Isn't there a window in there?
Oscar Madison: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.
Murray: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!
Oscar Madison: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.
Roy: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!
[they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]
Roy: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!
Murray: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!
Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?
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Oscar Madison: Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.
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Oscar Madison: Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.
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Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
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[doorbell rings]
Felix Ungar: They're here! The dinner guests. I'll go get a saw and cut the meat!
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Oscar Madison: It takes two to make a rotten mariage.
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Gwendolyn Pigeon: I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
Felix Ungar: Felix.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, right, Felix.
Cecily Pigeon: Like the cat.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, well, the Pigeon sisters had better beware of the cat.
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Murray: A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
Oscar Madison: Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.
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Felix Ungar: Look at this, the meatloaf's all dried out!
Oscar Madison: Well, can't you just pour some gravy on it?
Felix Ungar: Where am I gonna get gravy at this hour?
Felix Ungar: I don't know! I thought it just "comes" when you cook the meat!
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Felix Ungar: I was just repeating what I thought you said.
Oscar Madison: Well, don't repeat what you THOUGHT I said, repeat what I said! My god, that's irritating!
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Roy: What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?
Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.
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Oscar Madison: You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.
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Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!
Felix Ungar: Take what back?
Oscar Madison: "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?
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Oscar Madison: Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.
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Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
Oscar Madison: Yes, you did. And after we've had your halibut steak and tartar sauce, I get to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.
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Murray: What happened to the apartment?
Oscar Madison: It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
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Roy: [sniffs] What's the smell? Disinfectant?
[smells his cards]
Roy: It's the cards. He washed the cards.
[gets up from the table]
Roy: I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
Roy: I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
[leaves]
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Oscar Madison: Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.
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[about how tense Felix is]
Oscar Madison: Look at this. You're the only man in the world with clenched hair.
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[about Felix]
Oscar Madison: I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
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Murray: Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut!
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Felix Ungar: I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy!
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Oscar Madison: Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.
[Felix laughs]
Oscar Madison: The hell's so funny?
Felix Ungar: It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.
[Oscar picks up the linguini and hurls it against the kitchen wall]
Oscar Madison: Now it's garbage.
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Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind!
Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle!
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!
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Chambermaid: [to Felix as he walks by] Goodnight.
Felix Ungar: Goodbye.
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Oscar Madison: Where are you going?
Felix Ungar: To the john.
Oscar Madison: Alone?
Felix Ungar: I always go alone. Why?
Oscar Madison: No reason. You going to be in there long?
Felix Ungar: As long as it takes.
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Murray: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.
Vinnie: You mean you just threw him out?
Oscar Madison: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.
Vinnie: Let what be on your head?
Oscar Madison: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.
Speed: He's out there somewhere.
Oscar Madison: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.
Roy: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
Oscar Madison: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!
Roy: Us?
Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?
Vinnie: What?
Oscar Madison: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!
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Vinnie: I thought he looked edgy the last couple of weeks. Don't you think he looked edgy?
Speed: No, as a matter of fact, I thought you looked edgy.
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Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!
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Gwendolyn Pigeon: It's like Equatorial Africa on our side of the building.
Cecily Pigeon: Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in Nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?
Oscar Madison: Well, I'm working on it.
[laughter from the ladies]
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. Ces and I really don't know what to do about it.
Oscar Madison: Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Well, we haven't got one.
Oscar Madison: I know, but we have.
[more peals of laughter from the ladies]
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[first lines]
Felix Ungar: A room please.
Hotel clerk: You alone? Luggage? How long you want it for?
Felix Ungar: Not very long.
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Oscar Madison: Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily.
Cecily Pigeon: No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oscar Madison: Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon.
Oscar Madison: Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters.
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Hotel clerk: [Handing Felix a room key] 307.
Felix Ungar: Uh, haven't you anything ,uh ,higher?
Hotel clerk: Higher?
[Felix nods and the clerk goes back to check]
Hotel clerk: 914?
[Felix nods again and takes the key]
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Vinnie: If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.
Oscar Madison: You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
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Oscar Madison: Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.
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Murray: How many cards you got, four?
Speed: Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. Do you see how that works now?
Murray: Is Oscar playing or not? Hey, Oscar!
Oscar Madison: [from the kitchen] Yeah?
Murray: Hey Oscar, are you in or out?
Oscar Madison: [blows on a slice of bread he'd dropped on the floor] Out pussycat, out!
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Oscar Madison: I'm in for a quarter.
Murray: Aren't you going to look at your cards first?
Oscar Madison: What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?
Murray: I get a Pepsi.
Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
Murray: What do you got?
Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
Murray: What's the green?
Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I'll take the brown.
[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
Murray: I'm hungry!
Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!
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Felix Ungar: Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks.
Oscar Madison: I fail to see the humor.
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[In Oscar's absence, Felix succeeds in reducing himself and the Pidgeon sisters to tears]
Oscar Madison: [coming from the kitchen with drinks] Is everybody happy?
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Sports Writer: Well, that's the ballgame.
Oscar Madison: It's not over yet.
Sports Writer: Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning - you expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead?
Oscar Madison: What's the matter? You've never heard of a triple play?
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Felix Ungar: So long, Frances.
Oscar Madison: So long, Blanche.
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Cop in squad car: Hey, what are you doing, Murray?
Murray: Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.
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Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.
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Felix Ungar: [serving refreshments at the poker game] Cold glass of beer for Roy...
Roy: Thank you.
Felix Ungar: Where's your coaster?
Roy: My what?
Felix Ungar: Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.
Roy: I think I bet it.
Oscar Madison: [tosses the coaster back to Roy] Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.
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Oscar Madison: I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
Roy: They can do it, you know.
Oscar Madison: Do what?
Roy: Throw you in jail.
Oscar Madison: Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.
Murray the Cop: Aren't you worried about the kids?
Oscar Madison: Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?
Roy: I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.
Oscar Madison: If you're my accountant, how come I need money?
Roy: If you need money, how come you play poker?
Oscar Madison: 'Cause I need money.
Roy: But you always lose.
Oscar Madison: That's why I need the money.
Roy: Then don't play poker.
Oscar Madison: Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.
[grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]
Oscar Madison: You see, wise guy? Potato chips!
Murray the Cop: Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
[an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]
Murray the Cop: What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!
[the bickering continues]
Murray the Cop: All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.
[they all quiet down]
Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.
Roy: He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.
Oscar Madison: Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.
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Felix Ungar: In other words, you're throwin' me out.
Oscar Madison: Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones!
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Speed: Excuse me, sir, but aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?
Murray: You don't like it, get a machine.
Roy: Geez, it stinks in here.
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Oscar Madison: Can't you keep it warm?
Felix Ungar: What the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at 8 o'clock.
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