Johnny Knoxville: I have bad news written all over me.
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Steve-O: Hi it's cold in Japan, so were going to warm ourselves up with some fireworks.
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Phil Margera: Now you're getting crazy with this shit. Ape! He's starting to lose it! Jesus Christ! Ape! I need toilet paper!
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Steve-O: [laughing] I ran straight into a crocodile! Oh, my God!
Jeff Tremaine: Why can't you walk on a tightrope?
Steve-O: [shrugs, scratches head] I dunno.
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Ryan Dunn: I could sure go for a Miller High Life...
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Johnny Knoxville: [after being beat up by Butterbean] Is Butterbean OK?
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Chris Pontius: Hi, I'm Bunny the Lifeguard, any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming, I'm gonna wrestle them down, and probably have my way with them.
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Ryan Dunn: I'm surrounded by cacti, for fuck's sake... IT'S CACTI!
Steve-O: It's cactus!
Ryan Dunn: Whatever it is, it hurts!
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Chris Pontius: Wait a minute. I already know my fortune, it's partying!
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Bam Margera: [from extended footage, on phone] How much does Rake hate mustard?
[to cameraman]
Bam Margera: This is Rake's mom and she says I wouldn't be able to have children in my future.
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Johnny Knoxville: Is Butterbean okay?
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Ryan Dunn: What a dumbass idea! I'm surrounded by cacti, for fuck's sake!
Spike Jonze: *Offscreen* It's cactus!
Ryan Dunn: It's cacti! Whatever it is it hurts!
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Bam Margera: Look at Phil's tummy.
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[opening line]
Johnny Knoxville: I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to "Jackass"!
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Man: We have many... What the hell you doin?
Dave England: I'm sorry. I'm almost done.
Man: I hope you plan on getting' that son of a bitch.
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Steve-O: [to Johnny Knoxville] I got an ember fell right on my cornhole, dude!
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Johnny Knoxville: There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O!... One thing I know, is good tightrope walking!
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Ryan Dunn: [after many failed intro attempts, sigh] Goddamn, this is the BMX tug-of-war.
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[while viewing the apparatus for the "Bungee Wedgie" stunt]
Rick Kosick: This isn't gonna work!
Jeff Tremaine: It might...
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Johnny Knoxville: I was Lon Chaney's lover!
Shopkeeper: Go back and love him!
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Johnny Knoxville: [referring to firework going off] That almost hit Loomis in the face!
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Johnny Knoxville: Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that.
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Johnny Knoxville: [dazed, holding head after golf cart accident] I don't know what happened. I just remember we went in the air and the next thing I know, I'm just... fucked.
Bam Margera: Dude, you were hauling so much ass!
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Steve-O: You know it's when like your parents said "I'm not mad at you, just disappointed" You know that hurt so much more.
[Laughing]
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Chris Pontius: I guess I don't have any last words. I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener.
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Chris Pontius: [after being swatted by a puma while wearing a foam rubber mouse costume] I don't like him. He's mean.
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Johnny Knoxville: Do you have a pocket ass?
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Steve-O: [while preparing the wasabi to snort it] Chopsticks are so *stupid*!
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[after disturbing a golf game with an air horn]
Angry Golfer: Didn't I tell you I was going to come over here and kick your ass for that?
Johnny Knoxville: But... I'm sorry. I got bursitis.
Angry Golfer: You got bursitis.
Johnny Knoxville: Yeah.
Angry Golfer: So that means you gotta play with a horn?
Johnny Knoxville: It helps.
Angry Golfer: I'll give you something to play with, pal!
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Johnny Knoxville: What's the quickest you've ever knocked anyone out?
Butterbean: I hold, like, a California state record's like 18 seconds including the ten-count.
Johnny Knoxville: I think you're gonna break that today.
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Lance Bangs: [vomiting, disgusted at Dave England soiling himself] I had to sit there while he shat!
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Ryan Dunn: I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl.
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Johnny Knoxville: Is this the worst you've ever had to go boom-boom?
Dave England: No man. I shit my pants at the fair.
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Johnny Knoxville: [laughing at Dave England who has soiled himself] Oh shit, I'm taking a cab home!
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Ryan Dunn: I'm about to shit my ass!
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Chris Raab: I'm Raab Himself and I'm a complete fucking idiot.
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Steve-O: Yeah dude!
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Bam Margera: Now these rocket skates are going to be a little different than the last.
Johnny Knoxville: You using different bottle rockets?
Bam Margera: Nope. Just more of 'em.
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Johnny Knoxville: You little bastard!
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Ehren McGhehey: What's wrong?
Johnny Knoxville: I done fell and busted my ass, that's what's fuckin' wrong!
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Bam Margera: Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words, I promise I will get my mom to say, "fuck" by the end of this movie.
[after seeing an alligator in her house]
April Margera: That's the scariest fucking thing I ever saw!
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[Johnny Knoxville returns the badly damaged rental car]
Rental car attendant: Whose car is this?
Johnny Knoxville: This is your guy's car. I rented it from you earlier.
Rental car attendant: Yes... What?
Johnny Knoxville: Yeah, I hit a dog.
Rental car attendant: A dog isn't gonna do all that.
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Steve-O: We're in Okinawa right now, and we're about to go swim with some whale sharks, but first...
Chris Pontius: We need to go rub one out.
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Johnny Knoxville: That had bad news written all over it.
Bam Margera: Dunn can't drive for shit!
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[on "Butt-x-ray"]
Steve-O: If Ryan was an animal, what would he be?
Manny Puig: This doesn't happen in nature.
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Bam Margera: Whose dick do I gotta suck to get some explosions around here?
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Dave England: Knoxville knocked my nuts in half!
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Johnny Knoxville: That was my flesh!
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Spike Jonze: [Acting like an old man on a scooter] You're a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner?
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Johnny Knoxville: [after returning the smashed up car] But I returned it with a full tank of gas.
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Chris Pontius: [putting the "Muscle Stimulator" on a sensitive area] Right, let's zap my nuts.
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Jason Acua: I'm Weeman and this is a big cone.
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Eric Koston: I can't believe he got that far!
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Ryan Dunn: I'm not too excited about this skit, it's not my favorite I've ever done, because there's a toy car in my butt. But this is the "Butt X-Ray".
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[in opening of "Butt-x-ray"]
Steve-O: So, is there any, like, *real* reason, why would someone stick something like that in his ass?
Ed the medic: No.
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Ryan Dunn: So how did a car toy get there?
Cuban-dude doctor: Maybe you stuck it up your ass.
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Johnny Knoxville: I think I'm a little concussed.
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[a man tries to help Spike Jonze after his scooter zooms downhill]
Man: You all right?
Spike Jonze: Yeah.
Man: You have... Your brakes go out?
Spike Jonze: Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.
Man: Really?
Spike Jonze: Will you push me to the top? I wanna do it again.
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Steve-O: That's Danger Ehren, a.k.a. "Who?" and that's Dave England, a.k.a. "Why?"
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Johnny Knoxville: This is the Muscle Simulator.
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Johnny Knoxville: [giving off camera direction to Jason Acuna] Kick yourself in the head, wee man.
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Johnny Knoxville: Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my Rocket Skates.
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Butterbean: Hit me once at least.
[Johnny Knoxville punches Butterbean in the face]
Butterbean: There ya go.
[Butterbean punches Knoxville unconscious]
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Bam Margera: This is Sweaty Fat Fucks.
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[after waking Phil up with fire works]
Bam Margera: Hey Phil, you know you have to get up at 5 in the morning tonight.
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April Margera: [fanning blankets in bed] I'm helping you, are you OK?
Johnny Knoxville: [under blankets, clearly suffering] No, you're just wafting Phil's ass in my nose!
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Steve-O: We wanted to see if you would run!
Ryan Dunn: I'm not running anywhere with a toy car shoved up my butt.
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Steve-O: I am so glad I turned this idea down.
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Rakeyohn: [referring to bungee wedgie] This is worse than the hanging.
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Johnny Knoxville: [to Steve O] Go grab the dead kitty!
[later, in disbelief after Steve O exits the poo river]
Johnny Knoxville: You're not going to save the kitty?
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[opening narration]
Opening narrator: WARNING - The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do *not* attemp any of the stunts you're about to see.
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Steve-O: Dude they're telling me the parasites in there can fucking crawl through your anything like even my dick hole, I'm like so I wanted to put like a rubber on, but no one has a rubber. Dude fucking after all that pussy and my dick goes down because of this shit
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