Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time?
Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about.
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Albert Markovski: No manure... no magic.
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Caterine Vauban: The woods are hopeless. Don't waste your time, they will be destroyed. So will the marsh. It is a losing game mankind has played for more than a century. Sadness is what you are, do not deny it. The universe is a lonely place, a painful place. This is what we can share between us, period.
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Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature can you?
Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?
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Bernard Jaffe: The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.
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Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.
Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?
Albert Markovski: Everything!
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: Everything.
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: Everything!
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.
Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.
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Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.
Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!
Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!
Tommy Corn: It's amazing!
Albert Markovski: I know.
Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special.
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Albert Markovski: Everything is the same, even if it's different.
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Mrs. Hooten: We took a Sudanese refugee into our house!
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Security Guard: Hey, sign your bike out! Sign your bike out!
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Brad Stand: How am I not myself?
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Bernard Jaffe: When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.
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Vivian Jaffe: Why don't you just tell me what your situation is?
Albert Markovski: Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?
Vivian Jaffe: Well, we'll investigate and solve your case.
Albert Markovski: How?
Vivian Jaffe: If you start a contact we'll follow you.
Albert Markovski: You'll spy?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: On me?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: In the bathroom?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: Why?
Vivian Jaffe: There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key till your entire reality.
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Brad Stand: Shania cares!
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Albert Markovski: We're not in infinity; we're in the suburbs.
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Dawn Campbell: Oh please, I don't think of myself as being that pretty.
[Brad whispers in her ear]
Dawn Campbell: Yes, that changed at Huckabees. You know, I was never their pretty girl.
Bernard Jaffe: Really?
Dawn Campbell: No! I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie.
Vivian Jaffe: How's the sex?
Bernard Jaffe: How is the sex?
Dawn Campbell: The sex?
Brad Stand: Come on, guys.
[laughs]
Brad Stand: Come on. That's private.
Dawn Campbell: That's gross.
Vivian Jaffe: Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically.
Dawn Campbell: Surveillance? You've watched us?
Vivian Jaffe: No, just listened.
Brad Stand: So your surveillance is wrong!
[laughs uncomfortably]
Dawn Campbell: Yeah. It's quantity not quality.
Brad Stand: She meant quality not quantity.
Dawn Campbell: I know, I was only joking.
Bernard Jaffe: Were you joking when you said quantity and not quality?
Dawn Campbell: We're private about our seven minutes of heaven!
Brad Stand: It's longer than that, darling.
Dawn Campbell: Eight minutes of heaven! It's quantity not quality!
[laughs hysterically]
Brad Stand: You should see her after a couple of margaritas.
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Bernard Jaffe: There is no remainder in the mathematics of infinity.
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Albert Markovski: Brad, I've thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times.
Brad Stand: I've though about hacking you up with an axe Albert, and smashing your face in with a baseball bat.
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Dawn Campbell: I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better.
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Bernard Jaffe: [grappling with removal men] Give me the teddy!
[shouts]
Bernard Jaffe: Give me the teddy!
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Tommy Corn: How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?
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Mrs. Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?
Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives?
Mr. Hooten: Sounds like a support group.
Cricket: Why can't he use the church?
Mrs. Hooten: Sometimes, people have additional questions to be answered.
Cricket: Like what?
Albert Markovski: Well, um, for instance: if the forms of this world die, which is more real, the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind, or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?
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Vivian Jaffe: Passive aggressive.
Brad Stand: Shut up!
Bernard Jaffe: Aggressive aggressive.
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Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.
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Tommy Corn: I thought we were a platonic trio, not some sick sex dance! This is bullshit!
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Mrs. Silver: [to Caterine Vauban] God, what are you, a bitch? You're a bitch. How many kids do you have, bitch?
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Bernard Jaffe: If you look close enough you can't tell where my nose ends and space begins.
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Dawn Campbell: [emotionless] These are the best tops around. Last time, last year - not so good.
[suddenly fervent]
Dawn Campbell: But now, this is the *truth*!
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Tommy Corn: [after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?
Caterine Vauban: Don't call it the ball thing. Call it pure being.
Tommy Corn: Okay... so can we do the pure being ball thing everyday?
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[first lines]
Albert Markovski: Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!
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Mr. Hooten: Stevo, I'm so disappointed.
Mrs. Hooten: It's all right. Look, he's sad. He's sad.
Mr. Hooten: I'm sorry Stevo. My bad. You didn't know.
Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. Hooten: I should be what?
Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. Hooten: And why's that? Why whould I be ashamed of myself?
Tommy Corn: You're a hypocrite.
Mr. Hooten: I'm a what?
Tommy Corn: You're misleading these children. 'Cause you're the destroyer, man.
Mr. Hooten: How am I the destroyer?
Tommy Corn: I saw that S.U.V. out there.
Mr. Hooten: My car's the destroyer? You wanna know how many miles per gallon I get?
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Albert Markovski: That fire was a bitch-ass thing to do!
Caterine Vauban: No, it liberated you from Brad.
Albert Markovski: Or maybe, it bonded me even closer with him.
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Mr. Hooten: What happened to the cat, Albert?
Albert Markovski: How'd you know about my cat?
Mr. Hooten: The cat was killed by curiosity.
Albert Markovski: Oh, right, that cat.
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Brad Stand: How am I not myself?
[repeated]
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[running away from Vivian and Bernard]
Tommy Corn: I want my money back!
Albert Markovski: Yeah, and if I weren't pro bono, I'd want MY money back!
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Bernard Jaffe: Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay? This is me, this is you, And over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it's Paris!
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Albert Markovski: [to Vivian Jaffe] I can't believe you guys actually exist.
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Tommy Corn: Ah, here he comes!
Albert Markovski: Oh, boy.
Tommy Corn: The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta.
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Albert Markovski: What is it, a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?
Vivian Jaffe: Albert, have you ever been in love?
Albert Markovski: What kind of question is that?
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Dawn Campbell: Fuckabees!
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Brad Stand: You want to talk to me about my fat, sad brother?
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Brad Stand: Shania hates mayo all right, and she can't eat chicken salad, thats no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo - the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches - she still doesn't believe me - I say, Shania, I'm allergic to mayo - which, by the way, is a lie. Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches... before she realizes, its chicken salad.
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Brad Stand: What happened to the gazelles? Did they get squashed under the CD department?
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Dawn Campbell: Wake up, pretty girl, the joke is on you!
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Bernard Jaffe: There's no such thing as nothing.
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[Albert's in the zipper bag for the first time]
Brad Stand: Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole.
Darlene: We will fucking destroy you, deary!
Mr. Nimieri: [holding up a still] Got Shaquille O'Neal. I like Shaq.
[Brad and Dawn ride up on jet skis and wave]
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Albert Markovski: [about the body bag exercise] I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!
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Bernard Jaffe: [to Albert Markovski] When you get the blanket thing, you can relax, because everything you could ever want or be, you already have and are.
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Tommy Corn: I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were here to talk about petroleum.
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[last lines]
Tommy Corn: [Albert and Tommy sitting on marsh rock] What are you doing tomorrow?
Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?
Tommy Corn: What time?
Albert Markovski: Mm, one, one-thirty.
Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?
Albert Markovski: We always do.
[Scene goes blurry. Tommy hits Albert in the face with the big orange ball and then hits himself in the face with it]
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Translator: We smashed locusts and made bread.
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Dawn Campbell: Brad, do you love me?
Brad Stand: I think so.
Dawn Campbell: With the bonnet?
Brad Stand: Ehhh...
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Mr. Hooten: Do you have a job, Tom?
Tommy Corn: I'm a firefighter.
Mrs. Hooten: Oh, God bless *you*! A hero!
Tommy Corn: I'm not a hero. We'd all be heroes if we quit using petroleum, though.
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Mr. Hooten: Hey, I don't want to hear it again or there will be no internet tonight.
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Albert Markovski: That's bullshit because he doesn't care about things like this, where's the African guy, bring me the African guy, where's the African guy?
Brad Stand: Dude, what're you talking about?
Albert Markovski: Why does he get to write poetry? There's no Gazelles in North America Brad, just so you know, and the building squashing nature is my imagery, not yours, you don't write poetry
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Shania Twain: I eat Tofu Tuna, Brad!
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Albert Markovski: Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.
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[last lines]
Tommy Corn: What are you doing tomorrow?
Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?
Tommy Corn: What time?
Albert Markovski: Mmm, 1, 1: 30.
Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?
Albert Markovski: We always do.
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Vivian Jaffe: You live all the time with things you can't see. You can't see electricity, can you? You can't see radio waves, but you accept them.
Bernard Jaffe: Trust.
Albert Markovski: Fuck trust!
Bernard Jaffe: You better stay away from Caterine, Albert, 'cause she's gonna lead you down the path of darkness.
Vivian Jaffe: She was our prize graduate student until she went astray.
Albert Markovski: No, I think that I am going to stay with her, and the cracks and the pain and the nothingness, because THAT's more real to me, THAT's what I feel.
Tommy Corn: Word.
Bernard Jaffe: Okay, we're not sweatin' it.
Vivian Jaffe: No, we're gonna work with Brad.
Bernard Jaffe: It'll all come back to you and interconnection.
Albert Markovski: Brad? Are you kidding me? I'm gonna work on that prick and it's all gonna come to pain and no connection!
Bernard Jaffe: No.
Tommy Corn: It's on.
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[first lines]
Albert Markovski: [Blurry shot of tree]
[Albert's thoughts are voiced aloud to us, but not the audience on camera]
Albert Markovski: Mother-fucking, cocksucker, mother-fucking, shit-fucker, what am I doing?
[Albert walks out from behind tree, towards camera. As he gets closer to the camera the scene comes into focus]
Albert Markovski: What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. Just, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Fucker. Fuck. Shit.
[Albert stops walking and begins speech about saving a piece of the marsh]
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Dawn Campbell: Why don't you like my spots?
Marty: Honey, this look is hurting you, and it's hurting Huckabees.
Dawn Campbell: This is myself.
Marty: Then you won't speak at the benefit as yourself. That is not Huckabees.
Dawn Campbell: I am still Huckabees.
Marty: Not in that bonnet.
Dawn Campbell: It's in my eyes, Marty. It's like that story of the cave.
Marty: What in God's name is happening to you? We trusted you. We took care of you. We made you into a national icon. Pulled you out of a mall. Eh, you've been giving everything by Huckabees.
Dawn Campbell: Fuck-a-bees!
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Bernard Jaffe: [points to zipper bag] All right, get in.
Albert Markovski: You want me to get in?
Bernard Jaffe: Mm-hm.
Albert Markovski: So get in here?
Bernard Jaffe: Yeah.
Albert Markovski: What's gonna happen to me in there?
Bernard Jaffe: You're gonna see.
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Mr. Hooten: God gave us oil! He gave it to us! How can God's gift be bad?
Tommy Corn: I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good.
Mr. Hooten: I want you sons of bitches out of my house now!
Tommy Corn: If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil.
Mrs. Hooten: *You're* the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home!
Tommy Corn: You did. But how did Sudan happen, ma'am? Could it possibly be related to dictatorships that we support for some stupid reason?
Mr. Hooten: You shut up! You get out!
Tommy Corn: You shut up.
[to Albert]
Tommy Corn: Come on. Let's get out of here.
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Security Guard: You don't plant no tree in a parking lot!
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Cricket: Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts!
Tommy Corn: I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is.
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