Gallagher: I wanna say something about my baby, Amy. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.
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Gallagher: There's a reason "Congress" begins with the word "con". "Con" is the oppsosite of "pro", so "Congress" must be the opposite of "progress".
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Gallagher: "Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the front of a van comin' at ya.
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Gallagher: What can you say in America? Can I say Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have to prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit in the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.
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Gallagher: I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?
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Gallagher: [sits on the edge of the water bucket] If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like? I ask right now because if they bent the other way I'd be in that bucket.
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Gallagher: I have to say something about people, even when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to say something about a little dude who runs around the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat It!"
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Gallagher: Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!
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