Cpt. George Mainwaring: He's got a gun.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Yes I know, I can see that sir, yes.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: Well, I'm the officer.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well of course you are sir, yes.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I should have that.
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[Jones' "Anti Dive Bomber Gun" has set a barn alight]
Cpt. George Mainwaring: One thing, Jones. I don't think you should hav added the bicarbonate of soda.
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Pvt. Joe Walker: You know what they say, where there's crowds, there's business.
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: What's that supposed to be?
Pvt. Frank Pike: You said if we hadn't got anything else, tie a carving knife to a broomstick.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I didn't mean that you were to leave the broom at the end of the handle you stupid boy.
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: I could have sworn that they would never break through the Maginot line.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Quite right sir, they didn't.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I thought now. I'm a pretty good judge of these matters you know Wilson.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: They went round the side.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I see... they what!
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: They went round the side.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: That's a typical shabby Nazi trick, you see the sort of people we're up against Wilson.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Most unreliable sir.
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Pvt. Joe Walker: I thought you said I could have the night off, I've got a date.
L. Cpl. Jack Jones: You've got to do your duty, she can wait.
Pvt. Joe Walker: I know that she can wait but I can't.
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Mavis Pike: Frank, where have you been, you know your tea's been in the oven for over an hour. You're to come home at once.
Pvt. Frank Pike: I can't come home now mum, we're learning how to be soldiers.
Mavis Pike: Well you'll just have to learn how to be soldiers some other time.
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: Just a minute Wilson. I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive fighting force and I'm not going to get very far if you keep inviting them to "step this way" in that nancy voice.
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: Why does he call you uncle?
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well you see, I've known his mother for a number of years, she's a widow and she has my ration book and I go round to her house sometimes for meals... and that sort of thing.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: What sort of thing?
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well... um... sort of... other...
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Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Did you know that German's gun was empty, sir?
Cpt. George Mainwaring: As a matter of fact, Wilson, so was mine!
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[Three Luftwaffe airmen are holding several people hostage in the Church Hall, when the platoon enter disguised as a choir, singing "All Things Bright and Beautiful"]
Cpt. George Mainwaring: Frazer, get behind him.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: And I will get his gun.
L. Cpl. Jack Jones: And I will take my bayonet, and stick it up his...
German #1: Halt!
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: I think they've rumbled us.
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: Wilson, find something for Jones to do will you.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Yes, alright sir, just leave it to me. Jones, would you mind please just going outside and lining the men up and just doing things with them.
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[Mainwaring has pulled out his revolver]
German#1: If you don't put that gun down, I will shoot you!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: And if you don't put that gun down, I will shoot you!
German#1: I give you one last warning!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: And I give you one last warning!
German#1: One!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: One!
German#1: Two!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: Two!
German#1: Three!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: Three! If you shoot me, there are seven men to take my place!
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: We have an invaluable weapon in our army, ingenuity and improvisation.
Pvt. James Frazer: That's two.
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Maj. Gen. Fullard: Damn bank clerk.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I happen to be the manager.
Maj. Gen. Fullard: Well of course you are sir.
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: If anyone approaches you shout 'halt, who goes there' and take down their credentials.
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: Half the platoon will be in the Connolly Rock emporium. And from Stone's Amusement Arcase we shall be strongly supported by the rest of the platoon, on bicycles.
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Cpt. George Mainwaring: Well men, I've got some good news for you.
Pvt. James Frazer: Oh, you mean our rifles have come.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: No, but the ammunition has.
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