Lucy: [on an awkward first date] So, you're an assassin.
Ninotchka: Da.
Lucy: How's that work?
Ninotchka: It's mostly freelance.
|
Lucy: Look, let's just pretend that we're in Barcelona, and you're in art school, and I'm renting sailboats to tourists, and no one's a super hero and no one's a villain, we're just us.
[Amy looks at her smitten, and kisses her]
|
Scud: [Talking about the blind date] OH my God! What a disaster! I am so sorry! Leave it up to the D.E.B.S... your in a town a week and their all over you, grabbing...
[Lucy is sitting quiet with a little smile on her face]
Scud: What?
Lucy: I met someone.
Scud: [Slamming on brakes] I knew it! I mean the thing about the dance was a little wierd, but i had a feeling that you and Ninotchka...
Lucy: No, no, no, no, no Scud. Ninotchka was a train wreck thank you.
Scud: [Puzzled] I'm not following.
Lucy: [Hesitating] Okay, but you have to promise that you're not going to freak out.
Scud: Freak Out? Why would I freak out...
Lucy: Well, ya know sometimes you...
Scud: [Freaking out] OH MY GOD WHO IS IT?
Lucy: What do you know about an Amy Bradshaw?
Scud: Amy Bradshaw?
[thinks]
Scud: the girl from the smuggling op?
Lucy: No.
Scud: [He thinks, and you see it dawning on him] oh my god! Amy Bradshaw? Blonde hair? Plaid skirt?
[She nods]
Scud: She's a D.E.B.!
Lucy: So?
Scud: Okay, not only is she a D.E.B., She's THE D.E.B.! She's the perfect score!
|
Lucy: I didn't even want to be a criminal. I wanted to be a pirate.
Amy: [laughs] Pirates are criminals.
Lucy: Oh. Whoops.
|
Max: Who's your best friend?
Amy: You are my best friend.
Max: And what did I say to you the very first day at the Academy?
Amy: "That's my bunk, bitch."
Max: After that.
|
Scud: [Lucy's gang is robbing a bank. Scud goes to inform her of the situation] D.E.B.S. en route - two minutes.
Lucy: [primping self in mirror] Do I look okay?
Scud: [Rolling eyes] This is retarded.
|
Dominique: You need to put it here. Don't be an idiot for once!
|
Scud: What the hell?
Janet: I couldn't stop them!
Scud: [pauses] You look nice.
Janet: Thanks.
[pauses]
Janet: What?
Max: [to Janet] What are you doing?
Janet: [to Max] Nothing!
[punches Scud, who falls to the floor, unconscious]
Janet: Sorry!
|
Janet: Have you seen my gun?
|
Max: Janet! Wake up! We got a lead on Amy!
Janet: [to herself because she knows Amy's with Lucy willingly] Oh God!
[Jumps out of bed]
Janet: Oh no no no no no no no...
|
Lucy: Okay, first of all, you are gonna have to swear to me that you are *not* gonna freak out about this.
Scud: Freak out about what? Why would I freak out?
Lucy: Well, you know, sometimes you can...
Scud: [freaking out] Oh, my God, Who is it?
|
Dominique: You need to put it here. Don't be an idiot for once.
Janet: You need to speak English or French. Frenglish is not a language.
|
Mrs. Peatree: Annie,
Madeline: Amy.
Mrs. Peatree: Amy, I think you identify with Lucy Diamond. I think she sees your pathos. You've got some dangerous union symbiosis going on ? What's that movie with Jodie? And the little dog falls in the well with the lotion?
Madeline: "Silence of the Lambs".
Mrs. Peatree: You're the lamb Amy.
|
Janet: [Dominique, Janet, and Max are locked in the vault, and Dominique has lit up a cigarette. Janet looks at her horrified] Please don't smoke!
[Dominique blows smoke dismissively in Janet's direction]
Janet: [to Max] Tell her not to smoke!
[Max rolls her eyes and walks toward Dominique]
Janet: Guys! There's not enough air and soon we're going to be faint on the floor, and the only air in here will be toxic!
[Max takes cigarette from Dominique, lights it up, and takes a deep drag which she lets out. Janet, very distressed, approaches the two of them waving her hands through the smoke]
Janet: This could not get any worse!
[Spikes come out of the ceiling and the ceiling slowly lowers toward them]
|
Max: Janet! Wake up! We got a lead on Amy!
Janet: [to herself because she knows Amy's with Lucy willingly] Oh, God!
[jumps out of bed]
Janet: Oh no no no no no no no...
|
Scud: [talking about the blind date] Oh, my God! What a disaster! I am so sorry!
[Lucy is sitting quiet with a little smile on her face]
Scud: What?
Lucy: I met someone.
Scud: [slamming on brakes] I knew it! I thought there could be something - I mean that thing with the dance was a little weird but...
Lucy: No - not Ninotchka - that was a total train wreck.
Scud: [puzzled] Well? Then, who?
Lucy: [hesitating] Okay, but you totally have to promise that you're not going to freak out.
Scud: Freak out? Why would I freak out - I don't...
Lucy: Well, sometimes you freak out...
Scud: [freaking out] Oh, my God, who is it?
Lucy: What do you know about an Amy Bradshaw?
Scud: Amy Bradshaw?
[thinks]
Scud: the girl from the smuggler ring?
Lucy: No.
Scud: [he thinks, and you see it dawning on him] Blonde? Plaid skirt?
[she nods]
Scud: Luce she's a D.E.B.!
Lucy: So?
Scud: She's not just a D.E.B.! She's THE D.E.B.! She's their perfect score!
|
Lucy: [feigning pain] I just... I'm feeling really ill. It's my stomach. I, um, I think I have food poisoning.
Ninotchka: Are you blowing me?
Lucy: What?
Ninotchka: Off. Are you blowing me off?
|
Dominique: You're not as boring as I thought. But you're not as bright, either.
|
Mrs. Peatree: [to herself, very upset] Treason! Obstructing justice? We're going to be the laughing stock of the intelligence community!
[whirls from fireplace to Amy]
Mrs. Peatree: I'm going to send you so far away that luxuries like toilet paper and diet coke are but a distant memory.
Max: Mrs. Peatree?
Mrs. Peatree: Is someone speaking to me? Because that would be very ill advised.
Max: Mrs. Peatree, this whole incident can no doubt be a source of embarrassment for the academy, and you, right?
Mrs. Peatree: Have I *not* been speaking English?
|
Janet: I have the sweater she's wearing, but in taupe.
Amy: Really? Where did you get it?
Janet: Target.
Amy: No way.
Dominique: Silence!
Janet: [whispering] They also have it in teal.
|
Amy: I'm here because I feel more like me when I'm with you, than I do when I'm with me.
|
Scud: All right, then. We're going in.
Lucy: What?
Scud: We gots to get her back.
|
Scud: Just promise me you'll be open.
Lucy: Open to what?
Scud: Open to love.
|
Amy: [at Endgame, Amy delivers the formal acceptance speech Max wrote for her] If there is corruption in this city, Lucy Diamond is behind it.
[Lucy enters the auditorium on an upper-floor balcony and listens in painful silence]
Amy: If there is indecency to be found, she is the root. If there is evil in this world, its name is Lucy Diamond. It's not until moments like this when you are forced to take stock of yourself that you see what you are made of. It's not until moments like this when you have to remember what's right and true. Because it's moments like this when you discover what it truly means to be a D.E.B.
[looks up, sees Lucy, and stops reading]
Amy: Which is why I can't accept this award from you tonight. Because, the truth is, the times I spent with Lucy Diamond were the happiest days of my life. And the only brave thing I've done this whole time is what I'm doing now. So if you'll excuse me, I have a date with the devil.
[smiles and runs from the podium]
|
Amy: [to Janet] Remember when you got drunk and nearly got the chancellor of Bulgaria killed? And remember how i covered for you? I never told anyone. If Max ever found out you would never get your stripes and NEVER graduate.
|
Lucy: I guess I'll see you around... 'same bat time' or whatever.
|
President of D.E.B.S. Academy: You are a perfect liar.
|
Amy: What I said to you the first time we met?
Max: "High-protein diets are overrated."
Amy: [trying to be patient] After that.
|
Amy: Nothing happened.
Janet: She was totally going to kiss you. You are so into her!
Amy: I am not!
Janet: You violated the prime directive. Plus, hello, it's a *girl*. You're so busted!
|
Lucy: Well, their poster child doesn't know it yet, but she's into me.
|
Scud: Knock 'em dead... but not really.
|
Max: It's a trap.
Amy: Whatever.
|
Janet: Dominique, Janet, and Max are locked in the vault, and Dominique has lit up a cigarette. Janet looks at her horrified] Please don't smoke!
[Dominique blows smoke dismissively in Janet's direction]
Janet: .
[Janet to Max]
Janet: Tell her not to smoke!
[Max rolls her eyes and walks toward Dominique]
Janet: . Guys! There's not enough air and soon we're going to be faint on the floor, and the only air will be toxic!
[Max takes cigarette from Dominique and takes a deep drag which she lets out. Janet, very distressed approaches the two of them waving her hands]
Janet: This could not get any worse! [Spikes come out of the ceiling and the ceiling slowly lowers toward them.
|
Max: It's a trap.
Amy: Whatever.
Max: Hey! Look. Creepy shadows. No bad guys in sight. Confined space! Trap!
Amy: Why are to you giving me such a hard time? Do you think I can't handle it?
Max: No I *know* you can't handle it. You wouldn't know formation kappa kappa gamma if it bit you in your forehead.
Dominique: [acknowledging that this is not the best time for Amy and Max to be fighting] We are going to die.
Amy: [to Dominique] No.
[turning back to Max]
Amy: As your senior officer, I'm ordering you to secure the vault, soldier!
Max: You're "ordering" me?
Amy: Yeah!
Max: [gets gun ready] Fine!
Amy: [they run in - nothing seems amiss] There! That wasn't so bad. I think you guys owe me an apology-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
[falls as trap doors opens beneath her]
|
Janet: [Janet and Scud catch Amy and Lucy in a near kiss] Oh, my God! She almost kissed you! You almost let her!
Scud: [smug tone to Janet] You owe me fifty bucks.
|
Scud: I am the God of bingo!
|
Mrs. Peatree: This is not the Girl Scouts, this is espionage!
|
Lucy: [Lucy and Amy are making out on the bed. We see Amy's hand slide under Lucy's shirt to the back of her bra-strap, and *snap*!] Ow!
Amy: [mortified] Sorry!
Lucy: Did you just snap my bra?
Amy: [looking very sheepish] No.
Lucy: Yeah. You did!
Amy: [still looking sheepish] I was trying to be smooth.
Lucy: Oh yeah?
[reaches over and snaps Amy's bra]
Amy: Ow! Oh - now you are so dead!
[Grabs Lucy and they start to wrestle]
Lucy: [has worked herself so she is on top] Say "Mercy"!
Amy: [laughing] No.
Lucy: [laughing] Say "Mercy"!
Amy: No! No!
Lucy: [trying to pin Amy's hands down] You give?
Amy: No.
Lucy: [pinning Amy's hands down] You give?
Amy: No.
Lucy: [looking down at Amy very lovingly]
[shyly]
Lucy: You love me?
Amy: [lovingly] Yes.
[they kiss]
|
Janet: [the D.E.B.S. walk in on Amy and Lucy in bed. Max and everyone but Janet leave, disgusted] . You *really* need to check your messages.
|
Max: If you break her heart, I will hunt you down and kill you.
Lucy: [smiles] Deal.
|
Amy, Lucy: [Lucy and Amy are both running toward the same door - but cannot see each other because of a wall of boxes between them and they crash into each other] Ow! Oh, God! Sorry! Sorry!
Amy: I am so sorry!
Lucy: No, I'm sorry.
Amy: [they see who each other is and immediately grab their guns and point them at each other] You're Lucy Diamond!
Lucy: And your a D.E.B.!
Amy: You have the right to remain silent.
Lucy: [chuckles] You're reading me my rights?
Amy: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.
Amy: [they reposition their guns, and Amy looks hesitant] Look.
Lucy: Yeah?
Amy: I am so not into dying today.
Lucy: Me either.
[they continue to look at each other]
Lucy: So what do we do?
Amy: Well, why don't you put down your gun...
Lucy: Why don't you put down your gun?
Amy: Well, I'm the cop, so I'm more trustworthy...
Lucy: You know. I don't get it. I'm minding my own business on some stupid blind date, and you guys are all over me!
Amy: [puzzled] A blind date?
Lucy: Yeah.
Amy: [lowering gun] With that Russian girl? But... I didn't know you were a...
Lucy: [lowers gun] Why would you know?
Amy: I just... wow. That just so totally torpedoes my thesis.
Lucy: Your what?
Amy: [shyly] I'm doing a paper on you.
Lucy: [flattered and intrigued] You are?
|
Janet: [the D.E.B.S. walk in on Amy and Lucy in bed. Max and everyone but Janet leave, disgusted] You *really* need to check your messages.
|
Lucy: Come with me. Come on, what do you have to lose?
Amy: Everything.
|
Scud: So, I was wondering if maybe you wanted...
Janet: Yes.
Scud: I didn't ask you anything yet.
Janet: Whatever it is, yes.
Scud: Awesome.
|
Amy: I think love should be irresistible, like a drug, you know? I think when it happens you should just not be able to help yourself. I just - I wanted... more.
|
Max: [to Amy] I don't care if you are the Perfect Score.
Janet: [under her breath] Perfect whore!
|
Amy: [looking at Lucy through binoculars] Wow. Lucy Diamond, she's...
Max: What?
Amy: Real.
|
Lucy: Australia's toast.
Scud: What's your beef with Australia?
Lucy: I don't like their attitude!
|
Scud: You were dumped.
Lucy: I was not dumped!
Scud: Oh, you were dumped hard, and that sucks, but you took your time off in Antarctica or whatever.
Lucy: Reykjavik. It's in Iceland.
|
Janet: They're calling you a hero, when really you're a slut.
Amy: Shut up!
Janet: [lowers voice] A gay slut!
Amy: I'm not gay!
|
Mrs. Peatree: [to herself, very upset] Treason! Obstructing justice? I'm going to be the laughing stock of the entire intelligence community!
[whirls from fireplace to Amy]
Mrs. Peatree: I'm going to send you so far away that luxuries like toilet paper and diet coke are going to be but a distant dream to you.
Max: Mrs. Peatree?
Mrs. Peatree: Is someone speaking to me? Because that would extremely be very ill advised right now.
Max: Mrs. Peatree, this whole incident can no doubt be a source of embarrassment for the academy, and you, right?
Mrs. Peatree: Have I NOT been speaking English?
|
Max: It's a trap.
Amy: Whatever.
Max: Hey! Creepy shadows. No bad guys. Confined space! Trap!
Amy: Why are to you giving me such a hard time? You don't think I can't handle it?
Max: No, I know you can't handle it. I don't care if you are the perfect score. You wouldn't know alpha gamma if it was tattooed on your forehead.
Dominique: [acknowledging that this is not the best time for Amy and Max to be fighting] We are going to die.
Amy: [to Dominique] No.
[Turning back to Max]
Amy: As your senior officer, I order you to secure the vault, soldier!
Max: You "order" me?
Amy: Yeah!
Max: [Gets gun ready] Fine!
Amy: [They run in - nothing seems amiss] There! That wasn't so bad. I think you guys owe me an apology-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
[falls as trap doors opens beneath her]
|
Janet: So, where're you going to?
Amy: I think... Barcelona.
Janet: I'll miss you.
[pauses]
Janet: Can I have your room?
|
Mrs. Peatree: Are you kidding me? We conduct a nationwide manhunt for you and you're boning the suspect? Did you think this was a joke? "Let's divert federal resources and man hours so I can have my collegiate lesbian fling in style."
Amy: I was doing research.
Mrs. Peatree: I'll bet.
|
Max: I can't stop thinking about Lucy Diamond.
Janet: [incredulous] You too?
|
Janet: [watching Amy and Lucy flirt] Correct me if I'm wrong, but your friend seems to be hitting on my friend.
Scud: You're not wrong
Janet: Yeah, but my friends, not into that.
Scud: [under breath] Right.
|
Scud: [Lucy's gang is robbing a bank. Scud goes to inform her of the situation] D.E.B.S. en route - two minutes.
Lucy: [primping self in mirror] Do I look okay?
Scud: [rolling eyes] This is retarded.
|
[Amy fails to unhook Lucy's bra properly during their make-out session]
Lucy: Oww! Did you just snap my bra?
Amy: Er... no.
Lucy: Yeah, you did. That hasn't happened to me since sixth grade.
Amy: I was trying to be smooth.
|
Amy, Lucy: [Lucy and Amy are both running toward the same door - but cannot see each other because of a wall of boxes between them and they crash into each other] Ow! Oh god! Sorry! Sorry!
Amy: I am so sorry!
Lucy: No, I'm sorry.
Amy: [They see who each other is and immediately grab their guns and point them at each other] You're Lucy Diamond!
Lucy: And your a D.E.B.!
Amy: You have the right to remain silent.
Lucy: [chuckles] You're reading me my rights?
Amy: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.
Amy: [They reposition their guns, and Amy looks hesitant] Look.
Lucy: Yeah?
Amy: I am so not into dying today.
Lucy: Me either.
[They continue to look at each other]
Lucy: . So what do we do?
Amy: Well, why don't you put down your gun...
Lucy: Why don't you put down your gun?
Amy: Well, I'm the cop, so I'm more trustworthy...
Lucy: You know. I don't get it. I'm minding my own busines on some stupid blind date, and you guys are all over me!
Amy: [Puzzled] A blind date?
Lucy: Yeah.
Amy: [Lowering gun] With that Russian girl? But... I didn't know you were a...
Lucy: [Lowers gun] Why would you know?
Amy: I just... wow. That just so totally torpedoes my thesis.
Lucy: Your what/
Amy: [Shyly] I'm doing a paper on you.
Lucy: [Flattered and intrigued] You are?
|