Chip Douglas: Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
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Chip Douglas: I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
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Chip Douglas: You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
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[they are playing Porno Password - the password is "Vagina"]
Chip Douglas: Penis. Penis. Penis...?
Robin Harris: Vagina?
Chip Douglas: YES! She said "vagina"! She said "vagina"!
Steven's father: I would've said "schlong".
Chip Douglas: Great. Now we're starting to get this.
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[the Cable Guy makes a slam dunk and breaks the glass panel above the basket]
The Cable Guy: I love this game!
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Chip Douglas: Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
Steven Kovacs: Why? What happened?
Chip Douglas: They had a lot of cats.
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Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
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Medieval Times host: Quickly, muster atop your steed. Buddy, get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.
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Robin's date: [signaling the waiter] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what's the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it's not too much trouble for you.
[the waiter walks off]
Robin's date: Okay, I'm sorry to put you out.
[Turns to Robin]
Robin's date: See the attitude?
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Steven Kovacs: [Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven] Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!
Chip Douglas: Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.
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Steven Kovacs: What's going on?
Chip Douglas: It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven.
Steven Kovacs: Is this a normal part of the show?
Chip Douglas: No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.
Steven Kovacs: Is it safe?
Chip Douglas: Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.
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Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?
Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
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Chip Douglas: HI! Is there a problem with your service?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, my cable is out.
Chip Douglas: [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
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Chip Douglas: [On Steve's Answer Phone] Awwwww shit.
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Sam Sweet: [Tape of his phone call to the police] Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
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Steven Kovacs: You know, I'm embarassed to say this but I don't even know your name.
Chip Douglas: You really wanna know my name? You do?
Steven Kovacs: Sure.
Chip Douglas: [after pause] It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.
[Smiles at Steven]
Steven Kovacs: Um... Goodbye.
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Cable Guy: [Steven punches him] You're gonna have to do better than that, Steven. Steven. St-st-my lisp is gone!
[Steven punches him again; lisps]
Cable Guy: You thtupid thon of a bitch!
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Chip Douglas: You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
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Chip Douglas: This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
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Chip Douglas: What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'!
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Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.
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Chip Douglas: [eating chicken at Medieval Times] Can I have your skin?
Steven Kovacs: Sure.
Chip Douglas: Check this out.
[places pieces of chicken skin over his face]
Chip Douglas: Silence of the lambs!
[imitates Hannibal Lecter]
Chip Douglas: Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.
[bursts out laughing]
Steven Kovacs: Oh lord.
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Steven Kovacs: I hate you! Get out of my life!
Chip Douglas: He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
Robin Harris: No, don't go. Steven, you are being an asshole!
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Medieval Times host: Preferred customer my ASS!
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Chip Douglas: I just wanna hang out. NO BIG DEAL!
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Chip Douglas: [after Steven has jumped on to the latter] Nice jump, Spider-Man!
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Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
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Steven Kovacs: Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?
Rick: Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.
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Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[Laughs harder]
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
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Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back!
Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show.
Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.
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Steven: The cable guy is missing in action.
[talking with Rick on the phone]
Steven: Apparantly he is gonna be here between eight a.m. and my death.
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Chip Douglas: I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
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Chip Douglas: Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.
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Helicopter paramedic: Hang in there, pal! You're gonna make it, buddy.
Chip Douglas: Hey!
[helicopter paramedic learns forward]
Chip Douglas: Am I really your buddy?
Helicopter paramedic: Yeah, sure you are.
[an evil grin spreads across Chip's face]
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Chip Douglas: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
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The Cable Guy: Sounds like heart break to me.
Steven Kovacs: Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed.
The Cable Guy: Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!
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The Cable Guy: Cable Guy!
Steven Kovacs: [in the shower] Oh, shit!
The Cable Guy: Caable Guuuy!
Steven Kovacs: I'm coming!
[grabs a towel, heads for the door]
The Cable Guy: [yells] Caaable guuuy!
Steven Kovacs: Don't leave!
[Steven reaches the door, peeks outside]
The Cable Guy: [leaving, sounding angry] Jesu Cristo!
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[playing Porno Password - the password is "Nipple"]
Chip Douglas: Hard...
Robin Harris: Erection?
Chip Douglas: [sighs] No. But thanks for noticing.
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Chip Douglas: The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.
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Chip Douglas: Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
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Steven Kovacs: What are you doing?
Chip Douglas: I'm just talking trash.
Steven Kovacs: You ruined the game.
Chip Douglas: I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way...
Steven Kovacs: What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.
Chip Douglas: Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.
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Chip Douglas: I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
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Steven: You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
Chip Douglas: Tho?
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Chip Douglas: Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!
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Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.
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Steven: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
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Chip Douglas: The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
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Rick: I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even somebody who liked to call himself "The Big Ragoo".
Steven Kovacs: Carmichael from Laverne & Shirley.
Rick: That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched.
Steven Kovacs: So... He doesn't even work for the cable company.
Rick: Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.
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Chip Douglas: [his first lines] Caaaaaaaable guuuuuuy!
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Cable Guy: If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
The Cable Guy: [He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny!
Steven: No it's not!
The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
Steven: No it isn't!
The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
Steven: Isn't!
The Cable Guy: T'is!
Steven: Isn't!
The Cable Guy: T'is!
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Chip Douglas: Come back here, so that I may brain thee!
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Chip Douglas: You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor!
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Chip Douglas: Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts!
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Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!
Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
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[Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]
Steven Kovacs: You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!
Chip Douglas: No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
[drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]
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Chip Douglas: Cable guy!
[pounds on the door]
Chip Douglas: Cably Guy? Cable Guy!
[Rings the buzzer]
Chip Douglas: Cabla goobla!
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Chip Douglas: He who hesitates, masturbates.
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[Steven is in jail]
Chip Douglas: Hello, Steven, I came as soon as I could.
Steven Kovacs: What's your real name?
Chip Douglas: It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.
Steven Kovacs: Why are you doing this to me?
Chip Douglas: I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.
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Steven Kovacs: Dammit. Son of a bitch! The cable's out.
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Chip Douglas: It was my treat.
Steven Kovacs: What do you mean it was your treat?
Chip Douglas: You know, I bought this time. You buy next time... Don't let your eggs get cold.
Steven Kovacs: Buy what?
Chip Douglas: What do you mean 'buy what'? The women.
Steven Kovacs: [after pause] Do... do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?
Chip Douglas: Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?
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The Cable Guy: Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.
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Steven Kovacs: Guard! This is the guy who framed me. He set me up. Arrest him!
Chip Douglas: Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?
[Bernie gives him a thumbs up]
Chip Douglas: Okay!
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Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
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Chip Douglas: I'll juice ya up.
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