[after snorkeling in a hot tub with four bikini-clad co-eds]
Thornton Melon: Now that's what I call Marine Biology!
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Derek: [explaining his "anti-pep rally"] Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.
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Derek: That's Valerie Desmond. Look how tight her ass is today.
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Lou: I liked your other wife better.
Thornton Melon: Hey, don't knock Vanessa; she gives good headache.
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Professor Terguson: You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China?
Professor Terguson: [rips a desk apart] Then take the fucking wall apart
[shouts]
Professor Terguson: brick by brick and nuke them back into the fucking stone age forever? Tell me why! How come? Say it! Say it!
Thornton Melon: [incensed] All right. I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a *pussy wimp* to let MacArthur go in there
[shouts]
Thornton Melon: and blow out those Commie bastards!
Professor Terguson: Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.
Thornton Melon: [to his classmates] Nice guy. Really seems to care. About what I have no idea.
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Derek: [at the diving competition] You know what you almost never see? Somebody heckling a diver.
[blows an air horn just as a diver is going into his dive]
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Professor Terguson: Come on, this man has been under a lot of pressure.
[begins screaming and pounding his fist]
Professor Terguson: ...Say it!... Say it!... Say it!
Thornton Melon: [the answer hits him] ... 4?
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Thornton Melon: Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.
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Executive #2: The toy division has come up with a new doll idea to go along with our children's clothing line. We call them Melon Patch Kids. Now, the competition exploits the notion that their dolls are orphans. The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans... they're abandoned! We think it's a winner.
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Dean Martin: [begins questioning] Mr. Melon, I'm only going to ask you once:
[beat]
Dean Martin: ...Is this your work?
Thornton Melon: I can't lie to you, Dean Martin
[beat]
Thornton Melon: ...Yes, it is.
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[after Thornton Melon's run-in with a showering sorority girl]
Security Guard: Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day...
Thornton Melon: - but a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids.
[hands officer cash]
Security Guard: I don't have any kids.
Thornton Melon: No kids? Well, get yourself some kids. Take it all.
[hands officer more cash]
Thornton Melon: And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!
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Player #1: Hey, Lutz! Do you know who I am?
Derek: Let me see. Protruding supraorbital ridges,
Player #1: [football player grabs Derek]
Derek: small cranium, 1300 cc brain, I've got it! Neanderthal Man!
Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. Tell her he's never coming home.
Jason Melon: Hey, hey. Are you sure you've even got the right guy. Look at how many people have blue hair these days.
Player #1: Shut up, meathead!
Thornton Melon: Hey, hey; leave the kid alone! The war's over. You've got no parts for your head.
Player #1: Oh yeah, what are YOU going to do, beat me up?
Thornton Melon: No, I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...
Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.
[Lou has just crushed a metal napkin holder with one hand]
Lou: You got a problem?
Player #1: No. I don't got a problem.
Lou: Now you do.
[Lou slugs the football player, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]
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Diane: How would you characterize "The Great Gatsby"?
Thornton Melon: He was... uh... great!
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[after a female student answered correctly why America pulled out of Vietnam]
Professor Terguson: Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the *popular* version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was *there*. I wasn't here in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it.
[shouting]
Professor Terguson: I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him; While
[shouts]
Professor Terguson: pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and
[shouts]
Professor Terguson: listening to the goddamn Beatle albums! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Thornton Melon: Hey Professor, take it easy. These kids were in grade school at the time, and as for me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
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[after Diane gives Thornton an 'F' for his report, which was actually written by Kurt Vonnegut]
Diane: Whoever *did* write this doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut!
[cut to Thornton's dorm suite]
Thornton Melon: [on the phone] ... and *another* thing, Vonnegut! I'm gonna stop payment on the cheque!
[Kurt tells him off]
Thornton Melon: Fuck me? Hey, Kurt, can you read lips, *fuck you*! Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum!
[hangs up]
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Thornton Melon: What's your favorite subject?
Bubbles: Poetry.
Thornton Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.
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Thornton Melon: [after answering 27 parts from one question of the final exam] No more!... I feel like I just gave birth...
[beat]
Thornton Melon: ... to an accountant
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Diane: I'd love to go with you, but I've got a class right now.
Thornton Melon: Well, why don't you come and see me some time when you have no class.
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Trendy Man: Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt.
Thornton Melon: You too, huh? She's shown it to everybody.
Trendy Man: Well, she's very proud of it.
Thornton Melon: I'm proud of mine too. I don't go waving it around at parties, though.
Trendy Man: It's an exceptional painting.
Thornton Melon: Oh, the painting.
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Thornton Melon: [in a commercial for his Tall and Fat clothing stores] Are you fat? When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say 'OK!'?
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Thornton Melon: [sees a naked women taking a shower after opening the curtain mistakenly] ... I didn't see anything.
[opens the curtain again]
Thornton Melon: ... Honey, you're perfect.
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Chas: [limping off the diving board] I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week.
Jason Melon: It's probably menstrual.
Chas: Screw you, Melon!
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